Cloud and Tifa's Psychotic Story
by sinner saint
Summary: Cloud and Tifa sit in Seventh Heaven getting drunk with Sephiroth while countless fanworks are using their names without their permission. Tired of the never-ending fan-related aggravation, Cloud and Tifa decided to finally put a stop to all fanfiction.
1. Prologue

Prologue 

The young writer sat back, admiring her work. She smiled as she scanned through her first chapter of her new fanfic.

"Ah…I'm so talented…" she thought, amazed at her own skill. "Here's another one for rpgff and …" she had no doubt it would be well-received. After all, who _doesn't_ like a good CloudxTifa fic?

Cloud and Tifa, that's who.

To be honest, they were sick to death of people writing about them and their so-called "romance". Couldn't people just leave them alone? And all these fan fictions were getting so similar. It was depressing.

They knocked back another beer each at Seventh Heaven, knowing, that right at this instant, thousands of final fantasy fans were using their names in stories that they had no control over.

Meanwhile, back at the young writer's home, she had just finished sending her new chapter to all kinds of fanfiction websites and posting it on

"Let the reviews roll on in…"

Little did she know that her story was merely part of a huge conspiracy, one greater than anybody could ever know about. She was part of a plot so clever, she didn't even realise it.

She only felt the warm glow of self-satisfaction as she re-read her story.

"Ahhh…I can't believe how good I am!" she said out loud.

But this is not her story. This is Cloud and Tifa's story, and the story of that conspiracy that is so clever, nobody ever knew about it. Until now.


	2. Return to Seventh Heaven

Chapter 1 – Return to Seventh Heaven

"You knowwhat Tifa…" Cloud slurred, banging his glass down on the wooden bar.

"What?" she asked lifelessly, swirling her finger in her drink.

"I love you," Cloud declared.

"You're drunk, idiot. I think you've had enough," Tifa got up and took his beer away from him.

Cloud didn't protest; he simply slumped back onto the table.

"What a night…" Tifa said, cleaning his glass. Another night of drinking for them, another night of their names being used in countless fan works across the world.

"_Estuans interius, ira vehementi…"_ A lone voice sang drunkenly from a table.

"Oh god, not again…" Tifa moaned. She hurried over to where Sephiroth was waving his Bloody Mary in the air.

"How much have _you_ had tonight?" she asked, taking his drink off him and setting it firmly down on the table. Yes, Sephiroth, their old archenemy was a victim of relentless fans too.

"I _like_ Bloody Marys…" Sephiroth proclaimed with a pout, picking it up again and taking a defiant swig.

"Ugh…it's been a long, long day. Could you please just put the drink down?" Tifa asked, hands on her hips.

Cloud sighed as he listened to the familiar conversation. This tended to happen most nights. It nearly always ended with Sephiroth in tears, crying for his Bloody Mary.

"No." Sephiroth said, taking another long drink. Tifa rolled her eyes. She grabbed the drink off him and poured it away behind the bar.

Sephiroth burst into tears.

"A…All I wanted was a B…Bloody M…Mary!!" he said, putting his head in his hands and rocking back and forth.

"F…first my i…identity…was s…stolen by thousands of…of fan works…and now…now…I can't have a Bloody Mary!"

Tifa chose to ignore him.

She sat down next to Vincent, the only other sober person in the room.

"We really need to do something about this," Tifa said.

"Maybe you should just ban him?" Vincent asked, taking a sip of his lemonade.

"No, not him. He'll pass out in a minute anyway. He's so drunk." Sure enough, there was a thud as Sephiroth fell to the wooden floor.

"Well, what then?"

"_This._ I mean; our names are shamelessly being used every day by thousands of people across the globe. And look at us! We're not even getting any money from it! We're just sitting here, drinking our days away…"

"And whose fault is that?"

"Okay, okay. Maybe it's ours. I mean, how were we supposed to know that the money wouldn't last?"

"We should've been smart, like Aeris," Vincent said.

"Bitch," Tifa muttered. Aeris had invested her money from Final Fantasy VII in a small company specialising in flowers. It had paid off, and now she resided in a mansion near the Costa De Sol. Not only that, but most of the fans thought she was dead, so she was generally left alone.

"Well, what do you think we should do?"

"How am I supposed to know?" Tifa sighed and sat back in her chair, surveying the scene around them.

"All I know is, I don't want this to be my life from now on." She winced as Cloud started miming using Omnislash on the unconscious Sephiroth, but only succeeding in breaking a chair.

_'Nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change…'_

_'To be or not to be, that is the question…'_

_'Run, Mr Frodo! No, not that way!'_

_Cool name.... But you'll always be 'Ickle Duddykins' to me.'_

_'Lyra…Lyra…'_

Cloud woke with a start.

_Too much beer…_ was the first thought that entered his mind. He had no recollection of his actions last night, only the vague memory of dueling with Sephiroth and knocking him unconscious.

He climbed out of bed and wondered upstairs to where Tifa was sat by a window. Sephiroth was snoring soundly on the floor, amid shards of a broken chair.

"Mornin' Tifa!" Cloud called, massaging his throbbing forehead.

Tifa didn't reply.

"You busy?" he asked. Tifa looked round and stared at him for the first time.

"Oh no, not at all. Just trying to keep hordes of obsessive fans from swamping the place. Nothing much."

"Good. I need to talk to you," the sarcasm had not registered in Cloud's hung over mind.

"Now?"

"I thought you said you weren't busy."

"Cloud…" Tifa said warningly. Cloud took no notice.

"I had a really weird dream last night…"

"You do know that there's nothing more boring than having to listen to other people's dreams."

"Listen. I feel like I've been chosen to do something…something important."

"Mhmm…" Tifa replied distractedly.

"Don't you think it means something?" he asked.

"Yep. It means you're an arrogant, self-important twat."

"Listen, Tifa. I dreamt of a world where fiction was real and original again! Where our names weren't excessively used by complete strangers! I heard…I heard _phrases_, Tifa. Phrases from original stories!"

"That sounds so familiar to me…" Tifa thought for a moment, frowning, "It sounds like _bloody bollocks._" She returned to looking out of the window.

"Don't you want to hear some of the things I heard last night?"

"Where did you hear them?"

"In my head."

"Yeah, well keep them there." She said.

"Cheese!" Sephiroth yelled in his sleep. Nobody even bothered to wake him up.


	3. A Visit to Aeris

Chapter 2 - A Visit to Aeris

Did you ever wonder what happened to the Shinra Corporation after Mako energy fell through, and after the so-called "death" of Rufus Shinra?

Nowadays, Rufus owns a nice little restaurant just north of Kalm, and goes by the name "Chuck".

As for Shinra, they thought it was all over when Mako Energy was deemed no longer acceptable. But, thanks to an innovative idea by one of their lowlier workers, they managed to keep the Shinra Company alive.

The Shinra School of Fiction.

The beauty of this idea was that, not only could they carry on making millions, but they could also get their revenge on the group of "heroes" that stopped meteor and opened the rest of the world's eyes to the problems with Mako. On top of all that, Cloud and Co got paid more money for making the RPG.

Young writers paid to attend the school, under the impression that they would be learning how to write a true masterpiece. Instead, Shinra was turning them all into mindless clones, and had destroyed all original works of fiction.

They were taught only how to write Final Fantasy VII fanfiction, and led to believe that this was the only acceptable form of writing. As a result, fanworks multiplied by seventy-two percent, causing the heroes, especially Tifa, a lot of aggravation.

Yes, this was their punishment for shutting Shinra down. A lifetime of annoying fans. But they had no idea that Shinra was behind it all.

* * *

Cloud and Tifa had finally reached Costa del Sol. They saw Aeris's secret mansion looming on the horizon and set off in that general direction.

"I don't know how she bloody keeps it a secret. It's so huge…" Tifa muttered as they walked along.

"Why don't you like Aeris?" Cloud asked.

"She thinks I'm a lesbian because I don't wear pastels," Tifa said bitterly as they marched onwards. Cloud had no response to this, so they continued to walk in silence.

They approached the mansion, painted a pastel pink and decorated with flowers. Flowers seemed to be in every available space. They hung out of the windows, they were growing in the garden; there were even rose petals strewn across the path up to the house.

"What a bitch," Tifa said. Cloud was getting tired of her perpetual whining, "I don't know why everyone thinks she's so smart, just because she invested her money instead of spending it, just because she agreed to let them kill her character off, just because…"

Cloud drowned out her complaining by humming _Aeris's Theme._ Tifa stopped dead in her tracks.

"What are you doing?" she demanded.

"Humming…"

"You were humming _that_ song!" Tifa shoved him roughly, and he tumbled over. She marched off without him to the front door.

She knocked impatiently on the door and waited for a response. A young man, stark naked apart from a tiny gold thong, came to the door, his muscles rippling in the sunlight.

"Did I interrupt something?" Tifa asked, her mouth hanging open with shock.

"No…" the man replied, raising an eyebrow, "Come right in, Miss Gainsborough was expecting you," he said, opening the door wide and bowing Tifa inside.

"Wait! Wait! Don't shut the door!" Cloud yelled, stumbling up the pathway.

"How did she know we were coming?"

"I don't know. Miss Gainsborough informed us this morning that guests would be arriving today."

"Excuse me, but _us_?" Tifa asked.

"Yes, Miss Gainsborough informed all the house staff…" the man was now looking at her like she was an idiot. At any other time, she would have found it ironic that a man wearing a gold thong thought she was ridiculously stupid, but Aeris just made her so mad.

"JR, could you bring them right on through?" a sweet voice called from the sitting room. Tifa knew that voice too well. Bristling with rage for no apparent reason, she squared her soldiers, shoved "JR" aside and strode in to the lounge.

Aeris was reclining on a pink leather couch, wearing a pink fluffy dressing gown, her long brown curls framing her face; with a Jr look alike feeding her grapes.

"Oh, hello, Tifa. I didn't see you there…" She got up and smiled, at Tifa, which only served to make Tifa even madder.

"Hello, Aeris," Tifa replied icily.

"Hi Aeris! How are you?" Cloud called cheerily. Aeris's blue-green eyes settled on him and she pouted, leaning forward a little so he would get a full view of her cleavage.

"Oh, I'm just _swell_…you?" she asked huskily, advancing towards him. She kissed once on each cheek and once on the lips.

"I'm fine, how about you?" Cloud asked rather stupidly. Tifa rolled her eyes at his dazed expression. Aeris smiled and pulled back from him.

"I'm sorry you have to see me in such an…immodest state," she said, looking pointedly down at her dressing gown, which barely covered her body, "But you caught me on such short notice…"

"Aeris, why are there men in gold thongs wandering around?" Tifa demanded.

"Oh, JR and RJ are just my…helpers…" she said sweetly. Tifa wanted to barf.

"I'm fine, how are you?" Cloud asked, his gaze not really focused.

"Snap out of it, idiot!" Tifa hissed, elbowing him hard. Aeris giggled in an annoying girly way and sat back down on her couch.

"Please, sit down. JR!! Get these people some refreshments," she said, clapping her hands. Tifa sat on the edge of a pink rocking chair, but Cloud remained standing.

"Cloud, sit down!" Tifa commanded.

"I'm fine, how are you?" Cloud repeated. Tifa could feel herself getting very frustrated with the way today's events were turning out.

"Cloud, Cloud, Cloud. Come sit next to _me_…" Aeris said, patting the space beside her. Cloud obediently walked over and sat next to her.

"How's the flower business?" Tifa asked sarcastically as yet another scantily clad man walked into the room, bearing food and drink.

"Oh, that silly old thing. I've moved past that now…I'm doing something much more…_enterprising_…" Aeris said, rubbing her hand up and down Cloud's leg.

"What exactly?" Tifa asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Now, now Tifa, I know that's not the reason you're here to talk to me today!" Aeris said, waggling her finger. Tifa noticed the abrupt topic change but didn't say anything about it.

"Aeris, have you been having any trouble with fans lately? I mean, I know it's always been bad for us, but lately it seems to have gotten a whole lot worse."

"Me?" Aeris asked, wide-eyed, as if Tifa should have been talking somebody else, "Why, no. I've had nothing of the sort. No _bad_ trouble, anyway…" she winked at Cloud, who was practically salivating.

"You've honestly no idea about anything?"

"Oh no, Tifa," Aeris adopted her wide-eyed innocent look that had captured and manipulated the hearts of many gamers worldwide.

Tifa eyed her suspiciously. Something wasn't quite right about Aeris…Tifa suspected she was involved in bigger things than she let on.

"Well then, we'd better go…" Tifa said, standing up, "Cloud!" she barked. Cloud didn't move.

"It looks like you have to go, Cloudy baby…"Aeris said, messing with his shirt and pouting, "Come and see me again sometime Cloud…I get so…_lonely…_" she said, smiling sexily at him.

"Ah…ah…" Cloud said, his mouth hanging open.

"He says goodbye," Tifa said, grabbing his hand and pulling him up.

"I'll miss you Cloud!" Aeris called as Tifa dragged him away. Aeris began to hum her own theme song, thinking about how great she was, and all the extra money she made from appearing in Kingdom Hearts.

_'I'm fabulous! I'm beautiful!'_ she thought gleefully, straightening a few cushions and wondering how long it would take Cloud to come back.

'Give it a few weeks…he'll come crawling back...they always do…' she winked at herself saucily in the mirror and congratulated herself on how well she had executed the plan. Even if she said so herself, she looked…irresistible. Hell, she looked goddamn sexy.

* * *

Cloud and Tifa walked through Costa del Sol, and decided to stop off at the local Newsagents. Tifa looked at Newspapers and Cloud shiftily headed over to the "Adult Reading" section.

"Oh. My. God," Cloud exclaimed in open-mouthed wonderment.

"What?" Tifa asked, coming over, somewhat reluctantly.

"Look," He shoved a copy of _"Mukki's Honey bees"_ in her face.

"Oh my god," She said, her mouth hanging open, much like his.

"I know! Isn't it great?"

"Great? Aeris is a porn star!"

* * *

**A/N** A big shout out to all my reviewers!!!!

_Puffy Yuki Hoshi_: I like cheese too, lol. Thanks for the review!

_wonwingangel:_ WOW!! You SIGNED your review!! yay! I love it when people do that. Thanks for the great comments.

_Amused Reviewer:_ I'm glad I amused you. Thanks for your support!

_Yoda_: Wow! Someone said I'm ingenious!! That made me sooo happy.

_Bytemite:_ Thanks for the valuable comments! And yes, it is supposed to be ironic, lol.

_Firefly 99:_ Yay! Somebody deciphered my obscure literary references! Thanks for your review!

_FFlove 190:_ Don't worry...I won't attack you...just give me a giant pop tart first. lol. Thanks for the review!

_CaptainRikku:_ Thank you so much for all your support. You're really great. I'm looking forward to reading more of your fanfiction!

I know this doesn't seem like many reviewers, but trust me, it's the most support I've had for the first chapter of a fic. I'm so happy!


	4. Abduction

Chapter 3 – Abduction

Several hundred miles away from the small Newsagent in the Costa Del Sol, Barrett Wallace flipped burgers.

This business was failing. Miserably.

He had gained the job as head chef at "Chuck's Place", a small restaurant just north of Kalm. He had come in the hopes of building a new life for himself and Marlene.

He hadn't realised how hard it was to cook when you only had one hand, and the other was a gun. Yes, his right arm had become quite useful when it came to tenderising meat, but that was about all it was good for.

On top of this, _Yuffie_, of all people, had somehow followed him there and taken a job as a waitress.

Then there was the elusive "Chuck". Barrett had never met Chuck, who supposedly owned the place.

Yuffie suddenly burst into the kitchen, causing Barrett to jump, making burgers fly everywhere. She pulled a slab of half-cooked meat off her head and threw it at him.

"Barret, you are soooooo never gonna believe what _I_ just heard!!!!!" she said, practically jumping up and down.

"What?" Barrett had been pissed off with her ever since she stole his one remaining piece of materia. She had never confessed to this, and Barrett had searched her room and everything. But he found nothing.

"Not telling."

Barrett rolled his eyes and put the meat back on the grill. He didn't give a damn if the meat was covered in dust and crap off the floor – the customers could never tell.

Yuffie was obviously not pleased with the lack of attention she was getting from Barrett.

"Okay, okay, okay, you twisted my arm!" she shouted. She ran over to him and lowered her voice conspiratorially.

"I just heard some customers talking…well, I was eavesdropping, but anyway, they said that Chuck isn't called Chuck at all, but Rufus Shinra!"

"I knew somebody called Rufus Shinra once. Cheeky son of a-"

"I know! God, when they amputated your arm, did they miss and take your brain too?" Yuffie hit him on the back of the head.

"What are you trying to say?"

"How many Rufus Shinras can there possibly be?"

"Wait a minute, I'm confuse-Oh. Ooooohhhhh…" Barrett's eyes went wide as it finally became clear to him, "That fuc-"

Barrett's profanities were suddenly cut off as the door swung open yet again. The person who had entered struck fear into both of their computer-generated hearts.

"Wh-what do you want?" Yuffie asked, backing away. She looked over her shoulder for Barrett. Unfortunately, he was too busy cowering behind the deep fat fryer to help her.

"N-no!!!!" Yuffie screamed. Barrett crawled out from his "hiding place".

"Where are you taking us?"

"You know too much…" the figure said. Barrett desperately threw some chips from the fryer at the figure, hoping perhaps they would hit him in the eye, temporarily blinding him and giving Barrett time to escape. Unfortunately, the throw was rather pathetic and hit Yuffie's eye instead, temporarily blinding her.

"The less you struggle, the less this will hurt…"

A couple of customers heard the screaming from the kitchen.

* * *

"What was that, honey?" Angela Whatsitface asked her husband, Maximillian Whatsitface.

"I expect they're merely preparing our meals, dear," Maximillian replied, not particularly bothered by the screams.

"Sounds like it'll be delicious!" Angela declared. She watched the kitchen door intently as a tall hooded man emerged, carrying two large sacks.

"Disgusting!" she said to her husband, "Don't they know that they should carry their trash through the back entrance, not the front?" She went back to staring at her glass of water. This was much more relaxing.

* * *

Back in Midgar, an almost identical figure entered Seventh Heaven. Sephiroth sat at the bar, convinced somebody would bring him a bloody Mary, despite the fact he had been waiting for a good three days now, as the bar was closed.

Vincent was in the corner, talking to himself about the pros and cons of having a Communist society. Nobody else would listen.

"Oh sorry, the bar is closed," Vincent said, looking up briefly from his rant about capitalism. The figure didn't answer, but walked up to the bar. Vincent shrugged and went back to his discussion with himself.

The figure reached inside his voluminous cloak and pulled out a Bloody Mary. Sephiroth stared at him momentarily, and then made a grab for his beloved drink. The figure held the glass in front of Sephiroth's face, dangling it provocatively. Sephiroth got up from his bar stool, following the drink. He knew _somebody_ would make him one. Now, if he could just find some cheese, then all his dreams would be coming true…

Unfortunately, Sephiroth never got his Bloody Mary. He tripped over a chair as he was following it, smacking his head on a table and knocking himself out. The figure was momentarily frozen. That wasn't supposed to happen. Oh well. It made his job easier.

Vincent, now realizing there were more important things at hand than winning his debate with himself, got up to aid the unconscious Sephiroth.

"Who the hell are you?" He asked the figure as he knelt by Sephiroth.

"Your worst nightmare," the figure replied, with a sadistic smile. Not that you could tell he was smiling sadistically, due to the hood covering his face.

"Actually, in my worst nightmare, I'm being chased by angry feminists after saying that I believe a woman's place is in the kitchen. They're not very nice to me in that nightmare, you know. It's actually quite scary. I don't know why I'm afraid of feminists…maybe it has something to do with my childhood? I think…"

The figure sighed and tapped his foot as Vincent began to analyse his fear of feminists.

"Silence!" he shouted after he felt it had gone on long enough, "You will come with me. The less you struggle, the less pain you will feel."

"Okay! You know, I've been dying for somebody to talk to. Sephiroth barely says two words these days, and now Tifa and Cloud are out of town, I've nobody to discuss my theories as to what happened to Rufus Shinra with. You know what I think, I think that…" The figure sighed again. This wasn't as easy as he had hoped. There was, however, one way to solve this problem. He smashed the glass of Bloody Mary he was holding over Vincent's head. Vincent slumped into a cocktail-covered heap on the floor.

Two minutes later, somebody saw a hooded figure carrying two large bags out of Seventh Heaven.

* * *

"Grandfather, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately."

"About what, my dear Nanaki?" Bugenhagen asked, hastily putting his copy of _Mukki's Honey Bees_ under his chair. That Aeris had turned into one caliente female.

"About life in general."

"Where the HELL is my GODDAMNED magazine? When I find out who stole it, man am I gonna beat their face in! Fuc-" Cid came storming in, as usual, mad.

"Peace, my son, peace," Bugenhagen said in what he hoped was a calming way. He also hoped that Cid would not spot the corner of the magazine poking out from under his chair.

A hooded figure entered.

"How did you get past the guards?" Bugenhagen asked, standing up.

The figure didn't reply.

"Who the hell are you? Did YOU steal my magazine?" Cid demanded, punching his fist.

"I have come to relocate you to a more secure environment," the figure replied. If his hood hadn't been in the way, they would have all been unnerved by his sadistic smile.

"What are you talking about?" Nanaki asked, glancing around uneasily.

"Silence! Do not speak, do not struggle, and this will be much easier. I believe _this_ is your magazine," he said, handing a copy of _Mukki's Honey Bees_ to Cid. Bugenhagen knew immediately this was a fake. He himself had stolen that magazine little under an hour ago.

Cid opened the magazine, releasing the gas everywhere. Suddenly, all three characters were passed out on the floor, with the hooded figure standing over them, miraculously unaffected by the gas. How he even got the gas inside a magazine is a miracle in itself. But we won't get into that now.

The figure left Bugenhagen on the floor next to his dirty pictures of Aeris. The people of Cosmo Canyon saw a hooded figure trying to fit two rather large bags into his boot. In fact, a couple of villagers even offered to help, but were told to go away, and less politely.

* * *

_'Why were they there?_

_They were imprisoned. Someone had committed a crime, though nobody knew what it was, or who had done it, or what authority sat in judgement. _

_Why did the little boy keep calling Lyra's name?_

_Hope.' _

* * *

Cloud awoke with a start. It soon became apparent that he had fallen asleep on the journey back to Midgar. The dream had been somewhat disturbing. Where were these words coming from?

Tifa opened the door to her bar, mumbling about what she'd like to do to Aeris. She had had rather a lot to drink on the journey home. Thank god they had found somebody to take them home.

The bar was deserted inside. There was a moment of silence as Tifa looked around at the broken glass and Bloody Mary on the floor.

Cloud had a sudden revelation.

"I know what it means!" He shouted joyfully.

"Know what what means?" Tifa asked in an annoyed tone of voice.

There was silence.

"I don't believe it." Cloud said, rubbing his forehead.

"What?" Tifa was getting annoyed again.

"I forgot."

* * *

Taken from "The Amber Spyglass" by Philip Pullman.

A/N

I know it's been a while, but hey, I've been busy and had writer's block. I can only hope this chapter is as well received as its predecessors. Anway, it's reviewer shout outs again! Yay!

CaptainCliche - Glad I have your support! Lord knows I need it, lol.

Fanboyelite - Thatnks for your comment! It made me feel so great in 3 words!

StarBella - I finally updated, but you've probs started that fic, right? lol. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this one as much as you did the last.

Tifas-love90 - I love it when people use capitals to say good things lol. Thanks for your support, hope you carry on reading!

Amused Reviewer - As always, glad to keep you amused lol.

Madcap Minstrel - Thanks for your comment! I really liked drunken Sephiroth too. He rules all lol.

FFlove190 - Great to hear from you and Zack again. Your reviews never fail to put a smile on my face. Keep on rockin!

Firefly99 - Hope you managed to rehinge your jaw. Thanks for your support!

wonwingangel - thanks for the review. I hope this chapter goes down as well as the last ones!


	5. Dreams and Reality

A/N: yeah, so I just wanted to finish at least ONE of my multi-chapter fanfics (so it's been 4 years? Who cares?) and I chose this one, because I always thought it was the most fun to write. Hopefully I'll finish it within about 2 weeks. As usual, don't own FFVII, 1984 by George Orwell or Lord of the Flies by William Golding.

Chapter 4 – Dreams and Reality

"You forgot?" Tifa demanded, banging her fist on the table.

"Yeah…so sue me," Cloud retorted.

"It could be really important!" Tifa shouted angrily.

"I though you said it was a load of bollocks?" Cloud asked.

"Yes, but now there's nobody to talk to here so I have to listen to your pathetic dreams, and there's a slight chance it could help!"

"So now I'm useful?" Cloud said, a small smile beginning to form on his face. Tifa merely glared at him, as though he had wronged her in some way.

"All I know is my dreams...I hear words like I've never heard before...they're everywhere...I can't escape from them-"

"Blah blah blah," Tifa interrupted, "And they're _original_. Well that's just great Cloud. Way to solve all our problems." Cloud decided it would be best not to contradict her; he had already been at the receiving end of a Beat Rush for telling her she'd look better if she got a haircut every one in a while. It was not an experience he cared to repeat.

"I'm going to bed," Tifa announced moodily, before stalking away from him and out of the bar.

Cloud sighed and sat down on a bar stool. What could all this mean? Maybe he was just going crazy...sure felt like that sometimes. And where was Vincent? And Sephiroth? He rubbed his temples, laying his head down on the bar.

* * *

_Underneath the spreading chestnut tree, _

_I sold you and you sold me_

_There lie they, and here lie we_

_Under the spreading chestnut tree _

* * *

"Oh good you're awake," Tifa said as she poked him in the shoulder. He didn't move. She sighed and raised her eyes to the heavens, wondering why the gods tried her so.

"I _said_," she poked Cloud again, "Oh...good...you're...awake," accompanying each word with a jab of her finger.

"I soldyou and you soldme..." Cloud murmured, moving his head.

"Believe me, if I could sell you, I would..." Tifa said, punching Cloud. He awoke with a start and looked around, his blue eyes wide.

"Oh good you're awake," Tifa said congenially. Cloud looked at her blankly for a moment, then shook his head.

"I just had another dream Tifa...new words...something about a tree..."

"Yeah, yeah, I sold you and you sold me...whatever-" Tifa started.

"How did you know?" Cloud cut in, standing up.

"You talk in your sleep, idiot," she said, "I've been listening to you for god knows how long. I also know you sometimes have a very naughty dream involving Barrett, Cosmo Canyon and a cream pie."

Cloud turned a shade of bright red and looked away.

"No...no I don't..." he said.

"Anyway, I neither want to know nor give a crap about your perverted fantasies, but I can hear somebody trying to break in."

"What? Seriously?" Cloud asked.

"No...April Fools!" Tifa shouted.

"Oh...okay..." replied Cloud.

"Of course seriously, you dumbass. It's _November_," she looked towards the ceiling, "Give me strength!"

That was when Cloud heard it; an incessant banging around the side of the building. It reminded him of that one Christmas when Barrett had gotten _really _drunk.

"Come on...let's go have a look..." Tifa said, putting on her gloves. Cloud picked up his Ultima Weapon and gave it a couple of swipes.

Together, they made their way out of the bar and into the cold night outside. The banging grew louder. They snuck around the side and down the alleyway, where they saw an oddly lumpy black figure pounding what seemed to be its fist against the side door.

"Who the hell are you?" Tifa demanded. The figure looked up, startled.

"Erm...I am y-your worst n-nightmare!" the figure stammered. Cloud and Tifa exchanged glances.

"Oh...so this is a nightmare?" Tifa enquired amiably, "That would explain why Cloud is always hanging around."

"Oh yeah?" said Cloud as he rounded on Tifa, "Well..." he faltered, "your hair's too long. There. I said it."

"Take that back! My hair looks good long!" shouted Tifa, squaring up to Cloud. They seemed to have completely forgotten about the mysterious figure.

Taking no chances, the figure picked up a rather conveniently placed piece of metal piping from the floor.

"Huh...well that was handy," he said, glancing at Cloud, who was being held in a head lock by Tifa. Without wasting any time, he brought the pipe down in two fell swoops.

The mysterious figure always found that 'thud' when his victims fell to the floor to be particularly satisfying.

* * *

_The boy with fair hair lowered himself down the last few feet of rock and began to pick his way towards the lagoon. Though he had taken off his school sweater and trailed it now from one hand, his grey shirt stuck to him and his hair was plastered to his forehead._

* * *

"Owwww..." Cloud groaned as he opened his eyes. A bright light was shining right in his face, which didn't really help the banging headache he had. He tried to move his arms to shield his eyes, but found that it was tied to something.

Looking to his side, he could see he was strapped to some sort of table. The rest of the room was and vast; it looked like some sort of warehouse. Next to him were an identical table and a small trolley with various evil-looking instruments on them.

"Hello?" he croaked. He heard nothing but an echo.

"Huh, cool..." he said, "Echo!" He smiled as he heard his voice rebound at him tens of times. There was nothing he liked more than the sound of his own voice.

Suddenly, he could hear a banging sound, and raised voices. He couldn't quite make out what they were saying.

The door in the corner of the room flew open, and two men came in, dragging a struggling Tifa between them.

"I said, let me go!" she screamed, biting and elbowing and thrashing about.

"Woah...Tifa...chillax..." Cloud said, giving her a dopey smile.

"Do you want us to sedate you like we sedated your little friend over there?" one of the men said to Tifa.

"Ha...it probably wouldn't have made a difference to Cloud...he's so dopey anyway," Tifa spat back.

"You know what?" one of the guards said to the other.

"What?" his comrade replied.

"I played that game...FFVII...and these people ain't nothing like them characters in that game," he said, looking back and forth between Cloud and Tifa.

"Really?" his friend said with interest as they heaved Tifa on to the table.

"Oh yeah...that blonde dude is like all heroic and stoic and quiet and whatnot...and this chick is really nice and kind of motherly," he said, strapping Tifa down.

"Hey dumbass," Tifa said, still writhing and twisting, "That's because it's a GAME. As in, not real life. GAWD!!"

Cloud chuckled to himself.

The two guards finally succeeded in strapping Tifa down.

"The boss will be along shortly," one said, whilst his companion smirked in the background. Then they left. Cloud kind of wished they hadn't; no doubt Tifa would find a way to make this all his fault. He could have used the extra protection, even if she was tied up.

"Cloud, this is all your fault," Tifa hissed from her table.

"How?" Cloud asked, knowing that he really shouldn't enrage her further.

"You're the one who started that fight in the alleyway...dissing my awesome hair."

Cloud didn't reply. In stead, he waggled his fingers in front of his face. They looked so cool when he was drugged up.

"Tifa, check out my fingers," he said, giggling.

"Cloud...how long has your hand been free?" Tifa asked.

"I don't know," he replied.

"BLOODY WELL UNTIE YOURSELF!" she screamed, making the whole room shake.

"Oh yeah..." Cloud said, reaching across to his other hand. Soon, he was completely free. He began to make his way over to her table, but got distracted by the trolley. Those instruments...they were so shiny. Shiny was good. Why did he think they looked evil before?

"Cloud..." Tifa said warningly. He quickly remembered where he was and untied her.

"Okay let's go," Tifa said, punching the air a couple of times. Cloud, having lost his Ultima Weapon, picked up a shiny metal scalpel and looked at it admiringly. Gosh, if he was a metal instrument, he would most definitely be this scalpel. It was so...smooth and manly. Wow. It was just...amazing.

A sharp blow to the side of his head brought him back into the real world.

"Cloud!" Tifa barked. She tilted her head to one side, indicating the door, "Let's go," she commanded. Cloud nodded and they ran.

As soon as they opened the door a loud siren went off. But, rather than stopping, they continued, Cloud in front, holding the amazing scalpel at an arm's length in front of him.

"Hey! Escapees!" came a booming voice from behind them. It sounded so familiar. Cloud was tempted to stop and have a look but he knew Tifa would kill him if the guards didn't.

"Hey...Stop!" Now that was definitely familiar. Cloud looked over his shoulder.

"Cid?" he asked wonderingly.

"Darn tootin'!" Cid whooped, "We havin' a jail break? I want in on this!"

Cid joined their group, and all three ran as fast as the wind, Cloud only getting distracted once by his own reflection in a particularly shiny door.

They soon reached the exit, and, somewhat suspiciously, had not been chased yet. In fact, their escape was pretty easy. All the exits were signposted.

However, just as they reached the final door, they head an ominous voice behind them.

"Just where do you think _you're_ going?" it said. Cloud turned; it was one of the guards from earlier.

"Isn't it kind of obvious?" Cloud asked, stopping. Tifa grabbed his arm and shoved him in front of her.

Cloud heard some kind of mechanism begin to whirr somewhere nearby. Then he saw it; a large metal door was moving slowly out of the wall about ten feet in front of them.

"Go faster Cloud!" Tifa screamed, pushing him along in front of her. They weren't going to make it; the gap was closing more quickly that Cloud originally thought.

But, they were getting closer; Cid scraped through, and Cloud's scalpel was almost level with the gap, which was now about one and a half feet across. Cloud dived through, and, to his relief, felt Tifa leap through behind him.

"Arghhh!" came a high pitched scream. Cloud stopped. Tifa was standing still, her head pulled backwards. Her hair was caught in the door.

"I told you it was too long!" Cloud said.

"Don't you dare start," Tifa said through gritted teeth.

_I knew this would come in handy...how could it not? It's so pretty,_ thought Cloud, looking lovingly at the scalpel. He hastily hacked at Tifa's hair, freeing her from the door.

"Come on, I know a place we can go," Cid said.

Cloud stood back, admiring his handiwork. It was quite possibly the world's worst hair cut. At least there were no shiny surfaces here.


End file.
